This.

This.  I needed this today.  A new year, a new start.  My pity party is over.  The last three months since my last relapse have been kinda rough.  Mostly because I got in my head.  I had been working my butt off 4-5 times a week at the gym, watching what I ate, and I still relapsed.  And bad enough that I needed medication. I was mad.  Mad at MS. Mad at my body.  Mad at myself.  Mad at the world.  What was the point of everything I was doing if my body was still going to fail me anyways?  So I quit.  I quit the gym.  I quit eating well.  I quit caring.

Honestly, it was fun for awhile. Pass the chips over.  The chocolate.  The wine. Turn on Netflix and binge for a couple hours. Fuck it.  All of it.

I wouldn't really call it good, but all good things must come to an end.  Time to snap out of it, pick up the pieces and jump back on the wagon.  My new neuro wouldn't have used the term "remarkable" when speaking about the way I've been managing my MS if my previously healthy lifestyle wasn't doing good things. So here I am. Back at it. Healthy. Learning to love myself and everything that comes with me. Even the MS. I can handle it. Cause new things are around the next corner and I need to be ready for them...

I had a plan...and it didn't involve hanging it up again

I had a plan. I would drastically change my diet, exercise almost every day and tell MS to fuck off. It wasn't a solid plan but it worked. I was good. I even got "fired" from seeing the doctors at the MS clinic.  I knew the cues my body gave when I was doing too much. I learned to rest. I even learned how to say no.  My plan was foolproof.

Big. Fat. No.

That's what my body and MS said to me last week.  A big fucking no.

Plans are never foolproof, and I'm learning that with this disease. Don't even bother making a plan.  I thought my immune system was solid.  I haven't been sick in a long time. Not even a cold. But something crept in, numbing my legs from the waist down.  Making me barely mobile.  Fogging my brain.  Fatiguing me to the point that I need to crawl back into bed til noon after the kids go to school, and then again by 8pm. This time so bad that I called a doctor and got some drugs for the first time ever to maybe help.  And so bad that I've hung up my cape. The cape I proudly wore for my kids that made me Supermom. 

They see me struggle. I see them worry.  They tell me it makes them sad and they are praying I feel better.  I have to tell them things are ok. But they also have to know that mom can't do it all. My house is a disaster. But I don't care.  They've eaten cereal and pbj sandwiches alot this week. They love it. They have to take the bus or bike cause Mom isn't functioning enough to treat them and drive them to school. Does it bug me? You bet. Do I let it? Nope.  Cause I know that healing my body is more important than a clean house.  Does it bug them? Maybe. But they do their own laundry if they need something. They make their own lunches, and are perfectly happy when it's make-your-own-supper night.

I guess if I have to be out of it for a few weeks, I'm pretty glad I'm out with the team I have at home.  So the cape is in the closet for awhile.  And I'm ok with that.

Missed in May

I forgot to blog about this back in May. That was a good feeling.  It was progress.  Not anymore I suppose, but this relapse is just a minor hurdle.  Life will get better soon.

I Guess 5 Years Is Long Enough

Oh multiple sclerosis, how I despise you...

After five glorious years being relapse-free, it's happened.  I guess my body thinks that five years is long enough to be healthy and it better relapse.  Ugh.

It all started a couple weeks ago.  I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a fantastic conference in Denver, CO, for four days.  It was awesome, but tiring.  I didn't sleep much, or get much downtime, because we were so busy. But it was a fantastic sort of busy.  We left Monday and came home on Thursday.  That Thursday, I noticed that I felt light-headed once in awhile.  I attributed it to flying, and the higher elevation in Denver.  Friday, I was exhausted.  I really needed to catch up on my sleep.  But I was dizzy.  Not just light-headed but legit dizzy.  Whatever, I thought.  I need to sleep.

So I did.  Saturday I got up (still dizzy) and started to write out my shopping list.  I needed groceries.  As I sat by my kitchen table, Jason announced he was taking to the doctor.  What for? I'm fine.  He told me I look seriously hungover and something wasn't right.  Reluctantly, I agreed.  After all, Jason knows me better than anyone and if he's saying that, then maybe something was wrong.

As I sat in the waiting room, I felt my face do something weird.  I took a selfie and saw that the left side of my face looked droopy.  I looked like I was smirking at everyone in the office.  I saw the doc, explained myself, mentioned my MS, and he insisted I have vertigo.  Phew.  Damn airplanes.  Life continued on as normal (or as normal as it could be, considering I was still so dizzy and apparently smirking at everyone.)

Next day, Sunday, we went to church and met friends for lunch and a visit.  When I got home around 3:00 I immediately got really tired and had to lie down.  I didn't get back up off the couch.  It was like I couldn't move.  Kinda felt sick.  I so needed to sleep...

Monday came, and Brenna had to go to the doctor.  I was still dizzy, so my wonderful Dad drove us to the city.  At first I thought I could drive myself but once I sat in his car it was like I was loaded.  Like I would be worse than a drunk driver. Luckily I had a chauffeur.  So Brenna saw the doctor and I asked if she'd check me out too since I'm here.  She agreed with my suspicions that my MS is doing weird things, but maybe I was sick too.  She suggested phoning my MS doc, and sent me for bloodwork.  One thing for sure - I did NOT have vertigo.  Thanks clinic doctor...

At home, Tuesday, I talked to the nurse.  Even she was confused but maybe it was a relapse.  See what happens in the next couple of days...awesome.  Meanwhile my two fingers were feeling numb.  And I was again exhausted.  I had to lie down. I knew what was coming...

I had enough energy to go to my hair appointment the next day, to which I was chauffeured again (thanks to my awesome sister) but then I slept for about two days straight.  Even walking to the bathroom and back was too much for me and I had to go back to sleep.  It was ridiculous.  I have NEVER been so fatigued in my entire life.  I was useless. My face was still droopy.  I thought "This is what a stroke feels like"

By the time I  "woke up" on Friday, my left side was numb.  Still is.  Feels like my arm is about three sizes larger than normal.  But it's not.  I do have movement, but it's slow, and weaker than usual.  At least my energy is back. I feel like a contributing member to society and my household now.  It just takes a little longer to do things. Like type this.  I've had to backspace alot...

Every day I pray that it's over soon.  My last relapse lasted about three weeks.  But then again it could be worse.  I'm not dizzy anymore.  I can see.  I can walk.  I can talk. And I have a super support system of family and friends.  Yeah MS SUCKS but it's not the worst thing in the world right now. 

The Seasons are Changing

It's no surprise that summer is over and fall is here.  Which SUCKS.  Don't get me wrong - I love fall. It's one of my favourite seasons. But the transition between summer and fall wreaks havoc on my body.  It's something about going from warm to cold I suppose. (The same happens at the beginning of summer, when it goes from cold to hot) But I want to sleep ALL THE TIME.  Like I'm tired on a normal day, but when the seasons change it's almost a little bit ridiculous.  And unfortunately I can't just nap whenever I want to. I used to have that option, but I've been so busy lately that I can't even sneak a nap into my busy schedule.  So I risk falling asleep wherever I am (in the office, in the van, at a class...) It's pretty terrible.  I always tell people that they aren't allowed to complain to me about being tired. Until you have felt the fatigue I feel, you cannot complain!

As you've noticed, I haven't posted all summer.  It was a busy summer.  So to re-cap: 
- MS-wise, things were good. I handled the heat well, even spending time on the beach.
- The only issue was the spring-to-summer transition, like mentioned above, and that took a lot out of me.  Again, I wanted to sleep all the time.  Fatigue sucks.
- I kinda fell off the wagon on my working out, which I'm feeling effects of now when I went back to dance class.  My foot isn't as strong as it used to be and I can't dance on my toes much anymore.  But I'm back into running again so I'm hoping it will strengthen up again quickly.

Like I said, I've been busy.  Last week I finally realized that I have too much on my plate and I have to cut it back somewhere before I relapse.  The way I've been going, it could be any time.  So I'm trying to slow down. I'm so lucky to have Jason, who keep the house in order (somewhat) while I'm busy with work and cakes.  Now I just need to teach him how to cook...

2014 Team

I am so proud of my MS Walk team this year, as usual. Together we raised $5,756.42! Fantastic!

Thank you to everyone who supported us, and to my lovely family and friends who walked this year: Jason, Cherie, Derrell, Dad, Judy, Rhonda, Derek, Carrie, Jay, Andrea, Shelley, Tamara, Mike, Greg, Ali, Holly, Cory, and Amanda. And of course the kids: Logan, Raina, Brenna, Sienna, Dawson, Whitney, Elizabeth, Damien, Treyton, Alexa, Emersyn, Alex, and Emmy!

I take it back!

I guess I'm taking back what I said in my last post about never running a 5k cause I DID IT!!

I usually run 3.5k when I'm on my treadmill, so the other day I figured I would try doing 5k. Even if it meant walking most of it. My goal was to do it in 45 minutes or less. Well I did it in 40.05! Although I could care less about my time - I actually did it! I was so happy I cried! I never thought I'd be able to.  (And just to make things even better I shaved more time off yesterday and ran it in 39.75!)

Pretty good, considering I thought my drop foot would always hold me back. But now I know that I can push through it.  Yay me!